Online symptom checkers

I've been fighting a nagging cold (or maybe something worse) for over a week. Today I did something morbidly fascinating: I looked at an online medical symptom checker. At first I was interested to see if I might have something worse than your average cold or gastro. Then I started adding extra symptoms to see if I could get it to diagnose any extreme diseases. Unfortunately it kept the boring, common ones at the top of the list and the more interesting, exotic options stayed further down. I think there must be some statistical determinate programmed to balance out the symptoms I was inputting. However, I  caught myself thinking at one point that the computer was telling my I had a 94% chance of having appendicitis. Luckily I heard my own absurdity before I rushed off to the emergency ward. But it did make me think about how we have to be careful not to believe what we are told just because we see it in print. So, it seems to turn out that I am not dying of anything very exciting, and am just fighting a common winter cold.

Simple Things

When I'm sick I forget the simple things more easily, but I also appreciate the simple pleasures more. So, for the past few days I've forgotten to empty the cat little box (she doesn't seem to mind) and check the mail. Also, though, I was very happy climbing into clean sheets, and having a stimulating conversation with my husband about a book he's reading made my night. I was excited to be able to eat take away pizza, even though it was a little soggy (we won't order from that place again). I keep forgetting to turn off the tap when I'm brushing my teeth, wasting precious water (at least I'm remembering to brush). When things are back to normal, there will probably be some cleaning to do because I'm just not noticing (or am I deliberately turning a blind eye to?) the dust and fur-bunnies. On the other hand, I'll also feel good again so maybe I won't mind whipping around the house singing to iTunes, mop in hand.

Constructive criticism

Today I’m grateful for the distractions that have kept me from thinking about all the constructive criticism I got in class today. It was the last day of one of my novel writing classes. I got my final assignment, a large excerpt, back. Constructive criticism is useful, but it’s still criticism and today it’s drained me. I’m feeling wobbly – barely holding back tears and self-doubt. I was pleased with the piece I handed in; I thought it was working pretty well; I’m dismayed and overwhelmed at how much still needs to be done with it. The distractions that have got me through the afternoon so I didn’t lose it and bawl like a baby in public were: work that I enjoy; beautiful patterns from shadows on the sidewalk while walking home; my silly cat peering at me through the bush in my front yard when I got home; tasty, gooey Danish feta on my salad; a warm fire and clean sheets. I guess nothing worth doing is easy, but tonight I’m too depleted to embrace that truth.

Materialism = competiteness?

The other day my husband came home quite excited because his company had just signed a deal with a certain flying-lady airline. He was now automatically a Gold member with all the associated rewards. This is in the same week when he's also become a Platinum member of another airline because of all the inter-state flying he's done for work in the last eight months. So he's doubly pleased. My husband is ambitious and likes exclusive things. That's not me, so much. When I play tennis I want to know I've made my best shot. I'm thrilled this week because a small inconsequential decision I made months ago will be pivotal to the ending of my current novel. I appreciate beauty in fine art, but don't need to spend vast amounts of money to display it in my home. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy cheering for my team (but I often get caught up in the excitement of a really good goal no matter which side it's for); I am extremely grateful to have a comfortable home and my husband's income has a lot to do with that; and I know that economies and scientific discoveries rely on materialism and competitiveness respectively. I just hadn't associated the two personality traits  before. I'll have to observe other people we know to see if this link holds up. 

I must have been having fun

This week feels like it has gone by quickly, particularly at work. I think time has flown because I have been teaching a transition course at the college to students starting their courses next week. They have been a friendly, engaged group of people and I have really enjoyed teaching as a change from my normal one-on-one academic support and library tasks. Now I don't know that I would be satisfied being a classroom teaching all the time, but I definitely know that I would not be satisfied never being a classroom teacher. I'm realising that variety is the spice of work.

Everyone needs a brother (or sister)

Although he sometimes annoys me and I don't always agree with him, I'm grateful for having a brother. He's helped me through the worst times of the my life, and even when he can't actually do anything to help he often supplies surprising wisdom or useful advice. He's also been at the best events of my life – my graduations, wedding and so on. Those are the qualities I think anyone should look for in a brother or sister and I don't think you necessarily need to be born with one. Honourary siblings can be just effective as biological ones. I think another key to the relationship, which you can't create artificially, is a long shared history. We've helped each other process the residual confusions and neurosis left over from our unique childhood and from the mental illness of a close relative. No one else who's only been in my life as long as Facebook has been able to understand my family issues in the same way. So cultivate your sibling relationship(s), honourary or not, even if they drive you crazy sometimes.

Dashed dreams

I'm trying to decide if false hope is maybe a little bit good. Two examples from this week: one, I was reading a murder mystery for book club and thought there were twenty pages left, then they solved the murder. I thought for a minute that there would some crazy twist, the murder wasn't really solved, but it really was. Two pages later the story ended and there were fifteen pages of 'bonus' interviews and excerpts from the next book by the author. Two, I was waiting for a train home in the cold wind and saw one coming. Expectation seemed to raise my body temperature and a smile crossed my face, but alas it was the reflection of one coming the other way in the curved, frosted glass of the platform. I think hope is always a good thing, even if it's fleeting (I am an optimist). Maybe the lesson is not to put too much emotional investment into the dream so that you're not totally crushed if it turns out to be dashed in the end. (I'm not sure I like that; it sounds a little pessimistic.)

Hot chocolate and self-preservation

I met up with a friend I haven't seen in a while yesterday. She has read a few parts of this blog so knew a little about what's been going on. We sat in a fancy chocolate shop, drinking hot chocolate and rehashing what my marriage has been through. Although it still feels like a never-ending saga (the last few weeks have been more downs than ups), it was good to go over it and realise what I've learnt and how I've grown up from all this. Also, she has been divorced (and now re-married) and was a strong advocate for having a contingency plan and convincing me I will survive whatever happens. She also ended our visit by saying that I look happier, less stressed, now than I did last year when I hated my job and was having regular anxiety attacks. That was a good reminder that marriage is only one aspect of my quite wonderful life.