Trying to be happy

I've spent the last day and a half on crutches to rest my hip in an attempt to get the pain under control and avoid surgery. I've never needed crutches for any injury before so there has been a steep learning curve. I'm trying to remain positive in the face of difficulty by reminding myself of the good sides: my hip doesn't hurt as much as yesterday; also, this experience is good research for if/when I write a character who uses crutches.

Optimism makes me happy

I was surprised by my own optimism (or delusion?) this weekend. At writing group, someone said they'd had a bad week and things were weren't going well. One other person agreed, but myself and another girl took the optimistic attitude. Then, in a lull I thought about my week: my husband's 96-year old grandmother died, I stayed home from work because of a migraine and I was told by my physio that I was unlikely to have a pain-free hip anytime soon (more on that here). Not a stellar week overall, but still my default position was one of optimism – weird!

Happy, happy (joy, joy)

I have much to be grateful for today. Firstly, I had a great weekend visiting my Nana. She sent me home with a book, two shirts and some kitchen tools so that unpacking was as exciting as packing had been. Secondly, the day started with a bike ride mostly in the sun despite looming storm clouds. Thirdly, I got a raise at work and it will be back-dated six months to my proper anniversary/review date. Finally, blueberries were slightly less ridiculously expensive than usual so we're having them for dessert. They're the perfect, healthy end to the day. 

More happiness

The other night my husband, a friend and I went to the Ballet. It's been years since I've been to the ballet, and even then I wasn't a regular attendee. The performance of 20:21 by the Australian Ballet was really good. I'm not an expert, but I enjoyed seeing the athleticism, skill and aesthetic of the dancers and the company as a whole. The show was a good combination of classical (a Stravinsky movement) and modern (including a Twyla Tharp piece - my friend told me she was important). 

In the Upper Room, photo by Jeff Busby

Another thing that makes me happy

I walk pretty much the same route to and from work. Every day for the last week or so I've noticed more and more blossoms on the trees along the way. It means spring is coming and more things will bloom and turn green soon.

Things that make me happy

Yesterday: I saw a big golden retriever playing in a park with two Jack Russell puppies and a young pug. They were having so much fun, rolling around and gambolling together.

Photo thanks to Pixabay

Today: I stepped outside early this morning and discovered that there's a northerly wind so it's relatively warm outside. That's a nice surprise on a cloudy day in winter. 

My backyard

Much needed gratitude

Tonight I left work late because my last student came late. Then I got to the tram interchange as a tram was pulling up. A guy stepped out and stood in front of the door looking around. As I stepped around him, the driver shut the door in my face and trundled off. I was furious! I waited over five minutes for the next tram, seething the whole time.

But...

...when I got home, the house smelt delicious from the soup I'd made this morning. The cat was silly
and playful (she tried to roll over in her current favourite shoe box, which is far too small for her). To top it all off, I made a delicious margarita.

A walk in the park

This weekend I discovered the best time to go for a walk at the Botanic Gardens. It was 10℃ and pouring with rain. Within about five minutes my coat, gloves and scarf were drenched. After an hour my jeans were completely sodden and very heavy. In that hour of walking I saw only a handful of people. However, I saw and heard lots of birds. In the air, I could smell different plants in different parts of the Gardens. The best part was that most of the time I couldn't see anyone else so it was like being alone in this enormous, city-centre oasis.

The maximum number of blogs

There's obviously no rule that a person can't have ten, twenty or even more blogs. However, there is definitely a maximum number that I can manage. When I had one blog, it fairly easy to maintain it almost daily. Occasionally there would be topics I wanted to write about that didn't fit the stated aim of the blog, so I start another. Then I began making salads with a friend for lunch and people were ogling them so I started the third blog to record and share our recipes. That was pretty manageable.
I currently have four blogs to my name (see the sidebar, if you want to see the others), but some get more attention than others: one is very active (almost daily), one is sort of active (roughly weekly), one is barely active (monthly-ish) and the last, These Girls' Greens, is no longer being updated. I would like to update the salad regularly and several times I've intended to go back to it, but I've reached my max.

Brain workouts

I have been watching a really interesting series called Redesign My Brain and it's got me thinking about how I could give my brain more of a workout. I've read very mixed reviews about the app-based programs you see advertised on TV. Luckily, though, at work yesterday I found two books that look really interesting and have many lateral-thinking, creativity-inducing activities.

The first is called How to Be an Explorer of the World by Keri Smith. This is a book I wish I had written. It's filled with interesting and often simple ideas, which will help you see the world in a different way. Many of the ideas would be great to do with kids from four and up.

Second is Caffeine for the Creative Mind by Stefan Mumaw and Wendy Lee Oldfield. Its 250 exercises are engaging and quick (or long if you want them to be). Many of them could be turned into writing exercises, ice-breakers or time-fillers for the classroom.

I did one of the 'Caffeine' exercises at work in a lull between helping students. It was a word association. Here is mine:

To give it a go yourself, get a copy of the book. It's worth it!

Hotel as home

It feels very strange being back at home after three and a half weeks away. For the last two weeks of the holiday we changed cities every other day or so. We slept in seven hotels over that time. 5/7 of the cities were new to us so to a lesser or greater degree they took energy and wits to navigate, to find places to eat and to decide how to spend our time as tourists. It's been fun and interesting, and I've got lots of new places and ideas to incorporate into various stories, but getting back last night was odd. The house felt almost as foreign as another of the recent hotels. Certainly it was easier because we already knew how the shower works, we could get a snack without having to put on shoes or work out foreign money and our bed had our own soft sheets and perfect pillows. After about three weeks' travel, I felt really tired and homesick, then for the last few days I got over that and was back to enjoying the novelty and adventure. It'll be interesting to see how long it takes to feel normal in our own house again.

Post injury gratitude

Photo credit: Carolina Egaña

This morning I did a Yin Yoga class. About mid-way through, the instructor said we might be feeling frustrated at her when in a difficult pose or disappointed with ourselves for our inability to do a pose to our satisfaction. This made me realise that, although the pose was difficult, I only felt gratitude: joy that I can move mostly pain-free now; appreciation at my body's ability to heal and at the physio therapist and doctors who have helped me; and thankfulness that I can participate in a yoga class on a Wednesday morning. This feeling of relief and gratitude often arises after I've had a bout of illness or injury. During that period I am so pleased to be better than I was before that I actively appreciate healthiness.

Post-rejection plan

I am getting ready to submit a short story to a competition and pitch my YA manuscript to publishers. Although I've mostly got over the crippling fear of submitting, I still get an oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing rush when I hit send. Each time a rejection comes back in I remind myself that many published novelists were rejected multiple times (It's an interesting list, but I take no responsibility to the writing).

In this image the treasure is publishing a novel. 

I have a magic number of rejections in my head, after which I'll get contracted. I know it's a delusion, but it keeps me going. I have recently struck on another tool to get me through rejections – this short story competition and pitching my latest manuscript will be the test. When (I can't even say "if" anymore) these get rejected, I'm going to invest in a mentor. I will go to my local Writers Centre and sign up for a writing mentorship program. I'm pretty excited about it and that will hopefully cushion me through this round of rejections. It has the added bonus of being a pro-active approach to reducing further rejections too, I hope.

Maybe this technique could get me through other undesirable events: I'm putting off making a dentist appointment – after I go, I can buy a bottle of wine (and drink it). I don't like mopping the floor – after I do, I get to sit down with a chocolate and a book.

Bad pants

Tonight I finally got sick of trying on pants that don't fit anymore. I've gained some weight lately because of my migraine medication and not being able to exercise due to the hip issue. After getting very frustrated and almost crawling into bed instead of going out, I folded up all the pairs of pants (and two dresses) that don't fit. I hid them in the closet in the spare room. It's not that I particularly mind my larger size; it's the annoyance of planning to wear something then not being able to. Maybe in a month I'll get them out and try them on again. If they still don't fit after a month of reduced medication and increasing exercise, I might scream. Then I'll go shopping.

Miss Pronunciation

Often my husband and I take drives on the weekend in search of new places to see and walk. One thing that adds much entertainment to the drive is our sat-nav. She (it's set to a female voice so we identify it as female) mispronounces many Australian place names. Bendigo [ben - di - go] becomes Bendeeego; Dandenongs [dan - de - nongs] becomes either Dand-A-nongs or Dand@#% as she mumbles the end and runs it into the next word. I'm not sure why her pronunciation varies, but it's usually very funny. Sometimes it's so badly spoken that unless we're looking at the name written on a sign, then we can't tell where she's trying to direct us.

RJ Hamer Arboretum, photo by 

Ben Kreunen

To quit or not to quit? (And an observation about Friends)

For the last two weeks I haven't done any blogging because my mum was here visiting. Toward the end of her visit I started trying to thinking of interesting, insightful or worthwhile topics to start blogging with – I didn't come up with any. I started thinking, why even restart? My initial reasons for starting to blog were: to get in the habit of daily writing; to develop my voice; and to get something out there as a writer. I have proven to myself, through other writing projects, that I can work successfully everyday and enjoy it. I feel like writing novels, the form I'm most interested in, is a better way to develop my voice than blogging. Finally, I've begun being paid for freelance writing – admittedly not in the genre I'd prefer – and I have a growing list of publications on my CV.

So why continue blogging if it's serving no purpose and causing frustration and energy to come up with topics and images for each post? Then I realised, another reason I started blogging, whether I was conscious of it or not, is that I like writing about random things that I'm mulling over or that I notice throughout the day in the same way that I kept a journal as a kid. In that case, I should keep blogging but find things to write about that I enjoy and don't cause angst to come up with.

NBC show Friends promotional image

Therefore, tonight I noticed, while I was watching a rerun of Friends, that they referred to women's ability to have multiple orgasms. I'm sure I saw the episode in 1994 or '5 when it originally aired, but I'm sure I had no idea what multiple orgasms were. Twenty years on, things have changed! Many 14 or 15 year-olds are not so innocent, and I've grown up and got married. In fact having watched a few reruns of the early seasons, lately I've noticed that many of the topics and dialogue are quite sexual. I don't remember that aspect of the episodes I saw in my teens, which I think is as it should be.

A dark and stormy night

For the past day or two we've had stormy weather. There was thunder and lightening, which I love listening to and watching. This was followed by heavy rain. I like hearing rain pounding on the roof because it makes the house feel cozy. We cuddled up in bed and watched TV on the computer while rain lashed outside. The only downside to all this rain is the leaks. I have to remind myself that it's the small price we pay for living in a beautiful, old house that's stood for more than a human lifetime. I'm sure I'll be leaking uncontrollably long before I reach 120.

Preparing for the new arrival

For the past week or so I've been preparing. To say I'm excited would be an understatement. On Monday, I cleaned out the closet so there would be room for her clothes. Tuesday, I made the bed, then remade it on Wednesday because the cat 'helped' the first time. Thursday, a friend delivered some gifts I'd bought from her fabulous clothing company (www.solbari.com). Today I'm going to vacuum and dust. And tomorrow we pick up my mum from the airport! I vent my excitement by pre-preparing when we go away on holiday; I had never noticed that I also do it for anticipated guests.

This social butterfly has a short lifespan

Neon Angel Wings by Carla O'Brien

I have had a great week, but I can feel it taking its toll. I've been out once, if not twice, everyday. Three mornings during the week I met up for coffee with people: one old friend and her toddler, one new writing friend and one book club buddy. Then Friday I went for drinks with work people to celebrate a colleague becoming an Australian citizenship. Afterwards, I met another group of friends for dinner and drinks. On Saturday I had writing group in the morning, followed by a progressive dinner with my husband – involving alcohol at each stop. Finally, Sunday I had brunch with a new friend and some of her friends. I've really enjoyed it and proved the my current anti-migraine strategy is working well, but I can feel myself wearing out. I need to take a break from drinking every night. I'm also feeling some pressure about getting my freelance work done by the deadline because of too much social life. I've only got one thing – book club – coming up this week, then next week my mum comes. I want to be rested and restored (and work-free) enough to be her tour guide. 

Made my Friday

Yesterday was a very nice Friday. First, I got a package in the mail as I was leaving for work so I had something to look forward to throughout the day. Then I went for a drink with a friend after work. I got there early so I spent half an hour writing phonics worksheets at a sidewalk table. When my friend arrived, we had sparkling wine. We toasted to her increase in sales from Amazon and my two paid freelance jobs this month. I'm sure it'll be the first of many such toasts to come!

After arriving home, I finally opened the package from my Nana. She'd sent me books, lotion and a lovely card for Christmas and my upcoming birthday. I felt very fortunate and loved.

You know she's a true friend when...

Table set for breakfast
with friends (no picture
from last night).

Last night I experienced the generosity of friends. Firstly, J, who is a fairly new friend, and her husband were supposed to come over for dinner. A few hours before they were due, J called to say that some work had arisen so they would not be able to come. She was very apologetic and even brought over the dessert she had made. Then I called S, who I've known for several years but who has many more long-term friends in her life. The phone rang and rang, and I didn't wait to leave a voicemail. I figured it meant she was already busy and wouldn't be available to fill the spot at dinner. A few minutes later she texted me to ask if everything was ok. I was touched by how caring her response was. Finally, I called another couple who said yes, they'd love to come, despite being tired. In the end it was a fun night and I felt much loved.

Reviews: is there anything more transitory?

I just finished reading a light, quick, holiday read, then rated in on GoodReads. While reading others reviews, I learned an important lesson that I'll need to hold onto as a writer. Likes and dislikes are highly subjective and are often inconsistent. I quite liked the book and ignored the minor problems with the writing, whereas others hated it and didn't finish it before writing a detailed, negative review of it. It's not that I didn't know people have different opinions about things, especially subjective topics like art and literature. This was particularly clear last night at my book club when four of us expressed differing perceptions of a currently popular book. I need to hold onto this understanding when my writing is subject to reviews. What someone says in a review is more about them and their perception of your piece than it is about the quality or validity of your work. If one book can range from one-star, I have nothing nice to say, all the way to five-star, I've never read a better book, then that has nothing to do with the author. The negative reviewers all picked up problems which I noticed but wasn't bothered by. Interestingly, many of the issues with this book were things I'd criticised in the last book I reviewed. It all comes down to your mood and your particular sensitives at the time of reading the book and writing the review.

Advancing as a writer?

I've just finished the manuscript for a YA romance that I started writing for class last year. Unlike other times when I've finished a long piece, I've only sent this one to writing friends who've expressed a willingness to be a first reader. In the past I was so excited, relieved and surprised to finish a piece of writing that I sent it off to all my supportive family. They are lovely fans of my work (or me?) and usually offer nothing but praise for it and respect for the accomplishment. That's heart-warming and beneficial if I've recently had a rejection, but it doesn't get me closer to a publishable product. This time I'm sending the manuscript out more strategically at this stage, then once it's more polished I'll send it to my family. Does this mean I'm more serious now? Maybe I am in a good place and don't need their loving enthusiasm. Perhaps I've finally learned, from sending these things to other writers, that there are many changes to be made once they've read it so it's not complete enough to send to my family yet. I don't know if this makes me a slightly less emerging writer or not.

Ode to public transport

I took the tram to dinner at a friend's house last night. It was the first time on public transport in weeks because it's too hard on my sore hip and I don't have the energy after work to walk to the tram stop. It made me realise two things. First, I miss taking public transport. I get to listen to my playlist instead of whatever's on the radio in the car (I know I could plug my phone into the car, but I never bother). Also, I get to people-watch: I practise writing character descriptions and backstories for strangers. Second, I've fallen into a habit of thinking I can't do things because my hip will hurt. Sometimes that's true, but last night I had been resting all afternoon because my boss kindly let me work half-days until my hip is fixed. I might be a bit sore today but I enjoyed the journey more. Driving would have involved trying to find parking and knowing my husband needed to go out but him letting me take the car anyway (my bad hip trumps his healthy ones). Hopefully I can remember this advice to myself: do the things you enjoy, even if they might hurt a little.

Do you think pain aversion should over-rule fun experiences?

Rain and a good book

Tonight I'm thankful for a blustery, rainy night and good book to curl up with. I wanted a quiet night and the addition of rain has made it cozy as well. I think it also helps that I'm reading a collection of short stories involving arcane magic. I can lose myself in the spooky ambience because I know it's dark and stormy outside. Also I have a cat, although she doesn't look like a witch's cat, and a creaky old house. The only thing that would make it more atmospheric would be reading by candlelight.

New Year's Resolutions

I thought I would share my New Year's resolutions so that maybe I will feel more accountable for them. I'd love to hear from readers about their resolutions too. I've tried to write mine so they align with my values and are meaningful.

For writing my resolutions are to get published more than last year (I've started a chart to record my publication stats) and to pitch my non-fiction teaching resource to publishers in Australia, the UK and the US. This means racking up more rejections while maintaining my optimism each time I send it out.

In the personal realm my resolutions include continuing to meditate, and to get back into tennis, yoga and bike riding once my hip is fixed up. I would also like to start boxing (for exercise, not competition). I used to do boxing-fit classes, but then we moved and I didn't know of a gym nearby that offered it. This year I will find one and use some of my writing income to pay for classes. Finally, I will look at ways to strengthen our marriage because it's too easy to take my husband and our relationship for granted. 

I'm a little bit worried about not being able to do some of these resolutions for two reasons. One, many of them aren't measurable, which is one of the tenets of good goal-setting. Two, some of them are contingent on things beyond my control, like being published and getting my hip back in shape sooner rather than later.

I also found some useful articles about resolutions:
New Year's Resolutions Generator (from 2013)
10 Ways your Smartphone Can Help you Keep New Year's Resolutions This Time Around
A Harvard professor reveals how to make New Year's Resolutions that you can actually keep

Why do I always by the red one?

I don't often buy lipstick because I don't use much of it, but when I do I always buy one that's too bright red. I think the problem is that I shop for make-up with my eyes and not my brain. I find make-up counters very frenetic and overwhelming so my brain usually wants to get in and get out as soon as possible. I also love the colour red in almost all its shades. This is probably my major downfall: I see a crimson, maroon or burgundy that I love and I buy it. My eyes appreciate the colour, but my brain goes to sleep and doesn't remind me that I can't wear red lipstick. Then I get home and put it on and see that it's too bright and artificial-looking for my complexion. I think the reason this happens over and over is that I buy it so infrequently that I've forgotten the lessons of last time by the next time I go.

Does anyone else buy things that are wrong for them on a regular basis?

First meditation of the year

I did my first meditation of the year last night. I had taken a break from daily meditation over the past two weeks or so because my morning routine has been on holiday like the rest of me. Last night I felt the desire for the quiet and wholeness that comes with a good meditation session. I've learned not to put expectations on meditating but to accept what comes. Luckily tonight the  experience aligned with my hope. I felt peace and expansiveness; I was untouchable and self-contained - all at the same time. 

It occurred to me halfway through that it's been a long time since I meditated 'on' anything. I asked myself if there was anything I felt I needed and the word "courage" came immediately to mind. I didn't question this thought-offering as I would have had I not been immersed in a meditative state; I did mention it was a very good session, didn't I? As I took deep breaths, visualising the drawing in of courage, I had a realisation: I am in this body, but I am not it. Me - the central, essential me - is not this outward body. That is a very powerful understanding and, I realised after a moment, directly related to my call for courage. Since I am not my body, I do not need to be impacted or lessened in any real sense by what happens in the physical world, to my body. I can get through hip pain because it's a surface condition. Writing rejections can't actually cause damage and therefore don't need to carry unproportional weight. I don't need to fear embarrassment or reprimand in interactions with people: they're only perceiving my body. It's a regular human body like everyone else's, but it's not me. Certainly it's a part of me. I will still feel pain and blush with embarrassment, but it need not have any lasting effect. 

I'm hoping by writing about this I can hold on to this liberating epiphany. Wouldn't it be wonderful if 2015 were the year I stopped stressing about insubstantial, imagined and uncontrollable things!