The anonymity of new friends

I had a surprisingly good lunch today with a relatively new friend. It was surprising in two senses. One, the Vietnamese food was really tasty, yet cheap; and two, we had a very honest, open, personal conversation. I know this girl from my writing course and this is the first time we've got together outside of class. I was slightly worried that we wouldn't have much to talk about throughout lunch since we don't know each other very well, but the opposite proved true. We skipped a lot of typical getting-to-know topics, which can be quite boring and moved quite naturally to talking very personally about our families, partners, work frustrations and plans for the future. My theory is that because we don't know each other's partner, friends or colleagues, and are somewhat unlikely to meet them in the near future, we felt safe to be very open. It was a really nice lunch and I appreciate her taking her lunch hour to share it with me.

Uninspired = uninspiring?

I feel like my writing over the past week or two has been quite lacklustre. I can see this in the last few blog posts (thank you to people who are still reading) and in the fact that I haven't written anything new in almost two weeks. Luckily I have enough on the go that I can plan and research a new novel as well as revise some short stories. I think the cause is relationship stress, job hunting stress, summer heat.... I feel like I'm lacking creative inspiration. I know from past experience that something will come to me when the time is right. Then, last night when I wasn't sleeping, I started reviewing what the purpose of this blog was. Was my intention to write incredible, insightful posts for readers? Or, was my purpose to reflect and process my own thoughts (without wasting paper)? I think I want both - 40:60. So, please bare with me while I'm feeling creatively flat; contribute positive thoughts, questions and ideas if you want to in the comment section; and follow your passion (for lack of anything less cliched and more inspired to end with).

Reminders and Goals

Today I opened a new bank account just for me. My husband and I have had a joint account for several years because when he was working and I wasn't it was easier to manage finances and get a credit card. Now, in light of marriage issues and my hope that I'll have writing income at some point this year, it makes sense for me to have my own account. It seems appropriate that the account is called the GoalSaver. Opening it is a reminder for me that once upon a time I was an independent, self-sufficient woman and that I could be again, if need be.

Empathy

Maybe this is really obvious, but tonight I'm thinking about how living a bad (or not-so-nice) experience is a good way to have a better understanding of what others have to deal with. This evening I played tennis in forty degree heat (by choice), but it's made me have some understanding of how hard it is on the Australian Open competitors right now. Also, it makes me think about the extremes athletes put themselves through in pursuit of their goals, in general. This also applies to our current marriage troubles, which are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. However, they still take an emotional toll and I can empathize better with people who have had to put on a brave face while dealing with marriage turmoil.

Lessons from life's stresses

I just realised it's been several days since I've written anything on here; it's actually been several days since I've even thought about Blogger. Firstly, on the weekend I was focussed on spending time away with my husband. We had a nice time, but also had some serious talks. Then, the next two days were been dominated by worry, grieving, planning and stress interspersed with trying to be normal. I'm coming to terms with the possibilities that my marriage is ending (more importantly the whole fourteen and half year relationship, only six of which were marriage) and that in two weeks I will have no income. I have been weighing up what to do and beginning to process the loss. Since I am a compulsive planner, I think perhaps the lesson I'm supposed to take from this particular time is that things will happen in their own good time.

To challenge or to support, that is the question

I am wondering whether it's better to be challenging or supportive. My husband has said he wants to feel challenged to be better, whereas I would prefer supportiveness in our relationship. To me, to challenge my partner to do something sounds like I think they're not necessarily going to be able to do it without my urging. But if I support them to do something, it's more like I know they can do it and I'm standing beside them cheering them on. A challenge is 'I'll make you do it'; being supportive is 'I'll help you to do your best, but love you either way'. I think it sounds better and more stable to say I'm in a supportive relationship than to say I'm in a challenging one. I like this definition of "support" from my Apple dictionary: 'be actively interested in and concerned for the success of'. This is a nice way of summing up "to challenge": 'to invite (someone) to do something that one thinks will be difficult or impossible' ( thanks again, Apple dictionary). Maybe it's all just a matter of opinion, which doesn't really solve anything, does it.

Routine

I am a person who needs routine, I've decided. I know that sounds boring, and possibly stifling for some people. Maybe it comes from having been a teacher for so long and being told when do to things by a bell (which is not natural - why do we do that to kids?). I have only achieved my writing goal one out of the last three days so I am implementing a routine from today. I will try not to be so rigid with it that I can't take advantage of opportunities that arise, but I'm hoping it will help me get what I want out of my time. My routine will roughly be: to use the morning, when I first wake up for Rocket Writing, then proper writing or editing for two hours. After that I can see people, volunteer, work, do classes, mop the floor, all those other fun things in life. We'll see how it goes.

Pampering equals not productive

It was a lovely morning this morning because I had a gift card for a long spa treatment. I got a massage, facial and manicure, none of which I have indulged in, in ages. The only problem is that I was silly enough to expect to get things done in the afternoon. I managed about forty-five minutes of editing yesterday's writing and some baking. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening feeling unproductive, alternating between guilt at not meeting my day's writing/job hunting goals and foolish for even thinking I would get things done after such a blissful, relaxing morning. I was warned about a month ago, by someone very wise, that this year didn't need to be all about being productive every minute and that I would need to come to terms with that unhelpful thought pattern. This might have been the first skirmish between being and doing.

Doing work you love

Today was a great first day of work, although I don't know if or when I'll be paid for it. In my head it was the first day when writing is a job rather than just a hobby. I have yet to be paid any money for my writing and therefore, also spent time today job hunting, but it was a very fulfilling day. I wrote for more than two hours this morning, completing a rough draft, then spent time writing content for my brother's website. I was worried it would be stifling to have to sit writing for a set period of time in the morning and to think of it like work, but it was energising to be doing work I love again. I recommend it to everyone.

Something for everyone

We went camping this weekend and, although it was painful sleeping on the ground and a little lacking in mod-cons, I think we all got something out of it. My husband got a long drive in the car he doesn't get to use much since he's working away. I got to go to a beach I've wanted to visit for a long time, then fall asleep listening to the ocean crash and wake up to bush birds chirping. We hung out with friends who are moving away soon, we saw a seal sunning itself on the beach, we played beach cricket (I lost horrendously) and we swam in the ocean to cool off during a heatwave. Thanks to all that, now I'm looking forward to going to sleep in my bed on a proper mattress tonight (alongside cat and husband is an added bonus too).
On a slightly different note: tomorrow marks the end of holidays. My husband goes back to work interstate and I begin treating writing as a job rather than a fun hobby. I am writing this to try and hold myself to my plan of at least two productive hours of writing per day, six days per week.

Need, desire, consumerism, oh my!

Last night, when I wasn't sleeping, but should have been, I noticed something strange. I was in that tired, but slightly delusional state of awareness that comes with lying awake in the middle of the night and having a hyperactive brain. I was sick of thinking about getting a job (it turns out I'm quite stressed about that, although while awake during the day I'm not really aware of how much it bothers me) so was trying to breathe slowly and deeply and meditate myself into a calmer state. Suddenly I noticed an uncomfortably strong feeling of need, of lacking something. I decided that since I wasn't doing anything else more useful, like sleeping, I would lie quietly and observe the feeling. I eventually figured out that it was accompanied by a bunch of thoughts about what I could buy tomorrow if I went out shopping, none of which I actually needed. Then I started thinking about things I could get to fill the hole of desire I felt, if I got up. Maybe I was thirsty or hungry. Maybe my need was aesthetic: I could go look at the night sky. Maybe I wanted to play with the cat. Watching all these thoughts was fascinating and, yes, strange. I started to think that if this feeling came over people really strongly or when they were out at shops or had just been paid, especially if they weren't really aware of it and just acted on it, then that might be the impetus for a lot of shopping sprees (i.e. consumerism). Gradually the feeling and thoughts went away and I fell back to sleep. It did occur to me this morning that it might have been more useful to observe and diffuse the stress that had been keeping me awake initially than this little spurt of late-night shopping impulse. I'll try to do better next time (and this is what I meant yesterday about self improvement being more work than home improvement).

Home improvement

I reckon home improvements are a good way to start a new year. You feel like you've had a bit of a new beginning, and it's less fraught than self improvement. Often when trying to make some aspect of yourself better it brings up guilt for past failings, anxiety about whether you're doing it correctly, maybe even a maternal-like nagging inner voice. But with home improvement, you can put in a day or two of physical work, which in itself can be repetitively meditative, and immediately see a tangible difference. Also, there's less second guessing, at least in our case. I am pleased to say that our white bathroom door and window frame look much cleaner and lighten up the whole tiny, little room.