Lessons from Kindergarten: sharing

When we were kids, we were encouraged to share our toys and supplies. This promoted caring, selflessness, diplomacy and other important skills. Now as adults it isn't so much about sharing material goods as it is about sharing personal information, which sometimes leads to vulnerability. This week I learned some valuable lessons about sharing.

Photo by Brittany Miller Martin
Click here for the license

First, because of differing definitions of personal privacy, sharing comes more naturally to some people. For instance, my colleague told me about a holiday she's taking and I got excited with her, but I didn't ask who she was going with. A few days later she excitedly told me about how her newish boyfriend is taking her on their first trip away together. I didn't ask because I figured she'd tell me anything she wanted to share. On the other hand, she often asks colleagues and students about matters I would deem personal and private. My colleague is very friendly and she shows she cares by asking people about their lives. So being private, shy or too discreet could seem uncaring.

The second lesson I learned is that, as adults, sharing personal experiences and issues has many of the same benefits as sharing toys did in Kindergarten. Telling my family in person (no status updates used) about needing surgery has allowed them to show their care and concern for me. It's helped us bond and strengthened our relationship.

I always thought that adults were stronger and better adjusted if they dealt with their problems themselves. I thought it was whiny or selfish if I told family and friends about my issues. I've realised that good sharing comes down to three things:

1. how you tell people – in person rather than mass status updates,
2. your motivation for telling them – sharing, being open and vulnerable, yes; wanting an outpouring of sympathy in response, no and
3. how often you share issues – too often and it becomes overwhelming and annoying for others, even if they love you.

Why does it take me so long to learn these valuable life lessons? Am I the only one who's a slow learner?

Wednesday wallow

It always surprises me how illness inevitably and thoroughly sends me back to a small-child mentality. My first thought after hearing I'd need surgery was, 'I want my mum!' Then I imagined being rocked and reassured by my husband (which he probably would have done had he not been away on business). Instead I had girly night and let myself wallow.

I found out that I need surgery to repair my hip. Until a week ago, it didn't even occur to me that it

might that serious. I figured some physio, rest and anti-inflamatories, and I'd be right. I don't like the idea of anaesthetic and post-op pain, but in the long-run that will be better than ongoing, untreated pain. My husband rightly pointed out that aside from six weeks on crutches, it will also likely mean no driving for that time. So I needed a night to throw out the diet and come to terms with my fear of surgery and the implications of recovery time. I drank a margarita (it would have been more than one if I hadn't run out of lime juice), had a Magnum ice cream bar for dessert and watched a cheesy, teen movie with the cat.

After wailing to my husband, I whinged to my mum. My mum pointed out that I won't be able to do housework either. Then today my boss said perhaps if I had a cleaner to help while I'm recovering, then we could not cancel the service once I was better. This could be an extra upshot to having surgery.

To share or not to share

The need to share is a strange phenomenon. It's a double-edged sword, fraught with over-sharing. I thought I might mention on Facebook that a silly pop song by a much maligned singer helped me get through my MRI. When I started feeling anxious about the noisy machine tearing me apart, the breezy, no-worries lyrics changed my focus and lightened my mood. I figured, give credit where credit is due even if it means publicly admitting to appreciating a song I will get teased about. A part of me thought maybe the singer's social media troll might tell her that her peppy, little song helped someone. Then I thought that if I mention getting an MRI it sounds serious and I'd have to go on to explain my hip issues. This led me to thinking about a particular Facebook friend who enigmatically shares so that others will ask what's wrong. Then they pour out virtual sympathy. I don't want to be the instigator of that. So after all this over-thinking, I haven't posted anything on Facebook, but I have created a blog entry. It still seems silly to have wasted all this mental toing and froing on a Sunday afternoon status update. I'm going to post this blog, then not think about it again.

What did we do before Facebook?

The best gift

The best gift is the one you give. Instead of wallowing in hip pain or whinging about not being able to exercise, I've decided to improve my karma. I'm giving my husband surprise tennis coaching this weekend. That way he can still play even though I won't be playing with him. He's been wanting coaching for a while and I'm not that fussed about my lack of skills. The added bonus is that he's not expecting a gift and it's not a special occasion. I reckon the best gifts are unexpected ones given willingly to loved ones.

Benefits of being an adult

Strange thoughts go bump in the night

 This could be my innovative blog format going forward – handwritten blogs (wriblog).

Double-Yay for accountants

I'm grateful for accountants, and not only because my husband is one. This morning I met with our tax accountant and we're getting some money back from our taxes this year. Then this evening my husband did the grocery shopping for me, then gave me a ride home from work.

Beautiful Book (& bike) Club

I'm very grateful tonight for good friends, engaging books and healthy exercise. Instead of our normal book club (dinner and wine with some discussion about the book), we added bikes to the mix this time. We met at a bike share hub, then we rode along the river, crossed over and went a further few kilometres to another bike hub. After stowing the bikes, we had delicious food with dismal service. The ride back to the bike hub near the train station was quite adventurous. We rode along the dark, less busy side of the river where we had to ride through sprinklers and along floating docks with no railings. The lights across the river on the still water were beautiful.

Biking book club along the river (cc license) 

Eau, what a scent

Perfume Bottle (cc license)

Singers and actors produce their own fragrances. Tennis players advertise manly, scented body washes. That got me thinking, what would the perfume of a teacher or a writer be? It would include the dusky aroma of pencil shavings, the tang of correction fluid and the sharp undertone of printer ink. Teachers would have the added aromas of washable paint and stale banana (from opening students' bananas at snack time). While a writer's fragrance would carry a whiff of envelope glue and the musty smell of unrequited creativity. If you're lucky enough to be a teacher and a writer, you can combine all these elements to get the scent of those who work at what they love regardless of the reward. It's not unlike the eau de motherhood.

Abundant Sunday

I am feeling so grateful and fulfilled tonight. I got almost everything on my weekend to-do list done. I survived a shopping trip in the city and successfully staved off a migraine. This afternoon we had friends over for a barbecue and everyone had fun. I ate lots of delicious food, then followed up with yoga before bed. I also finished my book, which is almost always a satisfying experience and feels appropriate for a Sunday night. All round I've grateful for fun friends, exceptional eating, invigorating yoga and all the other little blessings in my life like migraine medication, disposable income, health, computers and a warm, secure home.