Noises in the night

Last night there was a massive wind storm. As I lay in bed, not sleeping, I listened to the many strange sounds. The wind blew like rumbling thunder; the front gate swung, sounding like a cello; and the intermittent rain was like gnomes stampeding across the roof. Eventually I fell back to sleep, but my dreams were still dramatic and disjointed. So the noise of the storm was the cause of and entertainment during a sleepless night.

Cats are gurus

Once again I am grateful for my cat's ability to relax and be peaceful in the present moment. This helped me the other night when I wasn't sleeping for the third night in a row. I could feel her lying between me and my husband, and she was purring. I reached down to stroke her and found that she was reclined in the middle of the bed like a sultan on vacation. Using my husband's leg as a pillow, she was sprawled belly-up.

She was so comfortable that, even though no one was petting her, she kept letting how little sighs. Hearing and feeling her complete relaxation reminded me that I could mimic that, even if I preferred to actually be asleep. Soon after that, I did fall back to sleep.

Tangible need for an intangible

I'm feeling grateful for my husband's encouragement. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night feel overwhelmed by self-doubt. I wondered why I thought I could be a writer, why I was impacting our livelihood for a frivolous dream. I lay there racked with guilt and insecurity. I began to think that I should just go back to my secure, but anxiety-provoking, dysfunctional teaching job next school year. When I told my husband about it, he talked sense into me. He supported my need to continue to try to become a paid writer and to work in a place where I feel valued, respected and productive. This tangible need for sleep was satisfied by an intangible: encouragement.

Strange Brain

Recently I've had two examples of the strangeness of the brain (I'm going to assume they're general quirks of all brains, not just mine). First, my warning signs for an oncoming migraine have changed over the past few months. They are now quite fascinating, not to mention handy. Whereas before I would get drowsy and dizzy only an hour before the migraine struck (often to the point where I shouldn't safely drive myself home), now I get a tingling in my hand or whole arm the day before. Then a few hours before the migraine I see spots. Because I'm not mentally impaired yet at the time these flags wave, I can admire their usefulness and bizarreness. The second strangeness has kept me awake the last two nights. My brain has been firing interesting, creative ideas around for my current novel as well as other stories. The night before last, I lay in bed typing half a chapter on my tiny phone screen so I could stay warm but not wake up my husband. Last night I got an idea for possibly my next novel. I noticed myself get really interested and fired up about it. Two problems, though: it was the middle of the night, and I'm not really all that close to finishing the current one. All I could do was get my ideas down and then lie there trying to tell my brain to calm down. I'm going to bed now to see what strangeness, if any, my brain offers tonight - hopefully it's in the form of dreams while I'm sound asleep.

The Curious Incident of the Rain in the Nighttime

Last night I was lying in bed too hot to sleep when I suddenly heard the plink-plunk of rain. As I lay there listening to it, I was reminded of many other nights that I have spent in bed listening to rain play music on the metal roof outside the window. Then I started thinking about storms I heard from my bed as a child. I loved being tucked up safe and warm listening to the wind and rain lash our little wooden house. I would imagine I was living on my own in our huge maple tree so that I was fully surrounded by the storm, but protected by the big tree. Last night's rain didn't last long, but it was enough to remind me of the curious timelessness of rain heard in the night. And, it cooled the air down enough that I finally got some sleep.

Vampires

I always sort of admired vampires for their insomnia. I figure they must get so much done! No wonder they all speak many languages, have acquired artistic skills in painting or music and have amassed great wealth; what else would you do with your time while everyone else was sleeping? (Other than suck blood, obviously.) Well, I'm beginning to feel a bit like a vampire. The medication I'm on is causing me insomnia - at best I sleep from about midnight to 3am, that's it. After several nights, I'm feeling like a bit of a soulless monster for the parts of the day when lack of sleep catches up on me. And, at night I'm getting lots of reading, some writing, knitting and other pursuits accomplished at an amazing rate. I'm so tired, though, that I can't appreciate it. No wonder vampires are pale, vicious, unpredictable and often miserable-looking. I am too.

The best things...

'The best things in life are free' is an old cliché, but this morning its truth rings especially true for me.

Things that are free (or virtually) that I am greatly appreciative of right now:

• lying in a warm bed with a cat sleeping on my feet and lightly snoring husband beside me
• fresh toast with melting butter in a dark kitchen
• sitting in the sun (later)

Things that I will appreciate soon when I'm a little more recovered:

• cooking a homemade meal and savouring it slowly
• getting lost in a book (or movie) for hours at a time
• sleeping all the way through the night in a comfortable position
• driving out to the mountains and going for a long solitary walk

Let's make this a little interactive. What would you add to the list? 

Uninspired = uninspiring?

I feel like my writing over the past week or two has been quite lacklustre. I can see this in the last few blog posts (thank you to people who are still reading) and in the fact that I haven't written anything new in almost two weeks. Luckily I have enough on the go that I can plan and research a new novel as well as revise some short stories. I think the cause is relationship stress, job hunting stress, summer heat.... I feel like I'm lacking creative inspiration. I know from past experience that something will come to me when the time is right. Then, last night when I wasn't sleeping, I started reviewing what the purpose of this blog was. Was my intention to write incredible, insightful posts for readers? Or, was my purpose to reflect and process my own thoughts (without wasting paper)? I think I want both - 40:60. So, please bare with me while I'm feeling creatively flat; contribute positive thoughts, questions and ideas if you want to in the comment section; and follow your passion (for lack of anything less cliched and more inspired to end with).

Thunder and Lightening

The other night I was lying in bed not sleeping. It was very frustrating. I was lying there having half-dozy dreams about some of my students and what they might become when they were older. I think it was because we had been working on their speeches for graduation at the end of the day and then I had watched 'Megamind' before bed. Just as my frustration level had got to a point where I was about ready to start throwing my pillow or something, a thunder storm started. My restless mind changed from ridiculous, delirious thoughts to listening to the storm; and I calmed down. Unfortunately I can't call in a thunder storm at will, but I have discovered it can be a good tool to calm a restless night's sleep and help practice mindfulness.

Emasculate vs. Effeminate

Last night my husband came home from working interstate for the first time in two weeks and suggested we go out for dinner. We had a lovely spontaneous date night at a delicious Greek/Italian restaurant started not long ago by a local celebrity chef. The crux of this post was going to be about gratitude for having my husband home somewhat unexpectedly for the weekend. As nice as chats-in-bed over the phone are, obviously they're ten times (perhaps even a hundred times) better when we're actually beside each other in the same bed. Anyway, that's what it was supposed to be about. Then he said something and I ended up lying awake in the middle of the night ruminating.
Some background: often it's our habit, when we go out for dinner just the two of us, to decide what we each want, then my husband relays the order to the waiter. I am happy with this arrangement because of my shyness and difficulty hearing in loud, crowded places. I sometimes wonder, though, how it would look to Caitlin Moran or Naomi Wolf, were they sitting at the next table. Would they think I was unliberated? They would be wrong. My husband and I have a very pragmatically equal partnership in most domains.
Now, back to the thing he said at dinner. Last night I felt keyed up and full of confidence (from working at a writer's festival event and having been to said restaurant before) so I placed the order for our entrees and my main. After my husband had ordered his main and the waiter left I half-laughed/apologised for taking over and changing our normal procedure without consulting him first. He replied, 'It's ok, but a bit emasculating.' Here's my problem, that I lay in bed in the middle of the night thinking about instead of sleeping: why does emasculate have connotations of making my husband less of a man in a negative, turn-him-into-a-genderless-worm sort of a way, but effeminate means a man that has the qualities of a woman, with the implication that this is a bad thing. (We'll deal with the fact that my ordering caused these feelings in my husband in the first place in the privacy of our own home, not in the forum of this blog.) I realise there are several other problems here as well, not the least of which is what's the point of going around asking, like a child, why any thing is called what it is. Why is that long orange thing called 'carrot', why is the blue thing over our head called 'the sky'? I do know that the answer to my post's question is more substantial, historically relevant and politically charged than to those other etymological examples. My point in this post is about the impression these two similar sounding words, from presumably related concepts, leave in one's mind, especially when lying awake at four o'clock in the morning. I think I've come to greatly dislike the word effeminate and will scratch it from my list of acceptable vocabulary forevermore. It now strikes me as out-dated and inappropriate, much like the martial arts instructor, who just this week, sneered at my students saying, 'Don't do girrrrls push-ups, off your knees, boys!'